Worst. Weekend. Ever.

I'm going to start by apologizing by not keeping my blog up to date over the weekend, especially in the starting days of this journey...it's been an emotional weekend.

Back in the summer of 2000, summer of my Senior year in high school, a childhood friend of mine (a fellow base brat) was killed by a drunk driver. She is now Forever 17 & missed every day...I had a hard time getting over her death....I found out Thursday that her little sister had passed away too, at the age of 24. This struck me like a ton of bricks. It was like losing her all over again...suddenly I was having flashbacks of our slumber parties, karaoke parties, dog walks, etc & how I felt when I found out she was gone. Now her sister?! Seriously....her parents have lost both their children, their ONLY children...tragically. This messed me up. I have been an emotional mess & I have to admit, I cheated myself...I cheated on my fast. I couldn't help it....I am guilty of emotional eating, one of the problems I was trying to overcome on doing this fast. I could have hidden this fact & just went on about my fast like normal after I recovered but I'm only cheating myself & then I'm cheating those who are following me & wondering what my results will be. I'm sorry to have let you down so early in this...I'm sorry to myself too. This weekend just brought back FLOODS of feelings from 11 years ago & it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'll never forget her but it's just so sad that her sister is now with her & not with her parents here on Earth. As a parent now, as opposed to when my friend died, I can't imagine having lost both my children....these are some strong parents to have gone through it once, but now this....I feel guilty that of all the stupid things I've done in my life, I'm still here....She deserves to be too. Both of them do. But I think I'm ok now...I just hope & pray her parents can find strength & understanding as to why this happened. My heart truly breaks for them, even more so now being a parent myself. If anything, this weekend has taught me not to take for granted the little moments....always say "I love you", forgive all who need forgiven, & never go to bed angry. Again, I'm sorry I had a lapse....I'm back on the wagon & have made a promise to myself that if, for any other reason I do this, I do it so my family doesn't have to go through the heartache of losing me....yes, I'm that overweight & unhealthy.

On top of this weekend, I find out this afternoon that one of my best friends is losing her step-dad. He had an accident Friday & ended up in a coma....he won't wake up & there is no brain activity.....again, My heart breaks for her & especially her mother, who has been married to him for 19 years. I wish so badly I was in Arkansas with her right now so I could hug her & tell her it's alright to cry....she's strong & being even more strong now for her mother. I love her to death & to see her go through this, hurts. I pray that her mom can find comfort & her own strength in the coming days, as they will be the most difficult in her life. I've been on an emotional roller-coaster all weekend...and then this. I feel so bad for not being there....life is precious.

I will continue to pray for all those that need prayed for. I have needed to pray for myself too. While minute to the bigger dealings of those around me, I need strength to continue. It is taking all I have to not crawl up in a ball & slink back into the patterns I've been in for years & years. I'm sticking to this. I'm only cheating myself by giving in & giving up. So I told myself this:

I WILL forgive myself for the Coke product I consumed.
I WILL forgive myself for the chocolate I consumed.
I WILL forgive myself for the cheeseburger I consumed.

And I have. I'm back on track. I'm so sorry to those who I have inspired to take similar steps, I really am...but I didn't want to hide anything. A lot has happened this weekend & it has definitely shown me why I need to do what I'm doing...

I NEED to become empowered & strong.
I NEED to become healthy & happy.
I NEED to be here for my children.
I NEED to be here for my husband.
I NEED to be here for my parents.
I NEED to be here. period.

I hope you guys don't hold this against me for too long...just know I'm going to be a straight arrow after today...I'm re-committed 110% & for a whole new set of reasons. Life is too short, Life is not guaranteed, & this Life is not mine, it's God's....I want to be 110% while I'm here.

I'm going to finish by saying thank you to all who have been supporting me. It means the world to me. If you could, just take a second (if you're the praying type) & say a quick prayer for those I mentioned above. The world is truly terrifying...none of these people woke up knowing that any of this would happen. Thank you all & good night. I'll be back to normal tomorrow blog-wise although my heart still aches.